FOCUS
are a specialist/generalist couple that might have problems
matching up your posts.
• Explore the possibility of additional flexibility in assignments from a decision by one of you to shift to a different career field with greater availability. Obviously, this
is not possible for everyone, but it can be worth exploring.
• If one of you is eligible for leave without pay, consider
that option to avoid separation. Unfortunately, those Foreign Service families that can afford to give up an income
for a year or two tend to be more senior and therefore less
likely to need to take such a drastic step.
Managing Separation
If you can’t avoid separation, or if you make a career
choice to serve separately, here are some tips to help your
families cope:
• Visit each other as often as you can afford. Make airline Web sites your friend to familiarize yourself with the
various deals available and, if you can, book flights early.
• The absent parent usually travels more than the other,
but it is important for the other one to take the children to
the other post as well, to “see what dad’s house is like” or
to “check out where mom works.”
• Every time you get together as a family, hold a meeting and plan the next few months.
• Make sure the absent parent knows about all major
school events so they can, perhaps, plan some visits around
them.
• Make sure school e-mails and grade reports are sent
to both parents.
• Get Vonage or Skype and call often! Video phone
calls are a great, inexpensive way to keep in touch.
• If you are the parent caring for young ones, make sure
to include the absent parent in all important family decisions.
• Try to schedule some time away from the children for
the caregiver parent (respite care).
• Schedule some time for the children to spend just
with the absent parent. At the same time, you will have
to accept that you will not be able to be together for many
birthdays and anniversaries. If possible, postpone the celebrations until you’re together.
Some Policies Need Changing
Separated tandem couples not only have obvious personal difficulties, but face an expensive tour with minimal
financial aid. Here are some policies that adversely affect
separated tandems and should be changed:
• R&R. If one spouse is at a post that entitles him or
her to go on R&R, while the other is at a post without
that option, the non-qualifying spouse cannot accompany
the rest of the family without paying out of pocket.
Children of separated couples get one trip paid each
year to visit the other parent, but separated tandem husbands and wives do not get any allowance for visiting
each other. Depending on how far apart you are and the
airline connections, this can amount to thousands of dollars if you choose to visit each other on a regular basis.
• Children. Because children cannot be on both tandem spouses’ orders, they have to choose which parent’s
orders to be be on (usually the one serving where the
children will attend school). If the children have to travel
to their post at the start of the assignment with the non-carer parent, things get very complicated and cost construction is usually more expensive than just buying the
plane tickets yourself. (And then you have to navigate
the complicated process of trying to get some of these
costs reimbursed.)
• Separate Maintenance Allowance. There is no
SMA for separated tandems, so you have to operate two
households, keep two cars, have lots of extra insurance
and buy two of almost everything.
A final note: If you are serving your first tour apart,
the second tours are also directed and you get no priority for bidding if you are serving at non-hardship posts.
Although the CDOs do their best to work with you,
there is still the stress of not knowing if you will serve
together at your second post. This is despite the fact
that most Foreign Service members would agree that
serving for two years apart from your spouse and children constitutes a hardship in and of itself. Allocating
some form of hardship points for those bidding under
such constraints would be an effective, no-cost solution
to this problem.
Fortunately, our story has a happy ending. Our children have had the benefits of learning about two cultures,
not just one, and have become adept at traveling without
a parent. And with some Foreign Service experience
under our belt, we were better equipped to work through
the assignment process when bidding on our second
tours. So even though there were only three matching
posts worldwide available to us in the summer of 2009,
my husband and I are looking forward to serving our second tour together in Kenya.
